Santa needs coffee — not milk

Those of us who celebrate Christmas are taught as youngsters that, if we behave, Santa Claus will leave presents under the tree. We are encouraged to leave Santa milk and cookies so that he can treat himself during a hard night’s work of flying around the globe and dropping off gifts.

The short reality is that Santa isn’t getting any younger, people! The poor man lives his life in the freezing temperatures of the North Pole. He works day in and day out to find out who is Naughty and who is Nice (which is not a menial task). And don’t get me started on those shifty elves; their knack for carpentry makes even me jealous. After the entire year of slaving away, he has one night to make it all happen. (Seriously, when was the last time you pulled an all-nighter?) It’s not like we can trust Donner, Blitzen and the rest of those reindeer (Rudolph included) to keep Santa on track as he traipses across the globe.

Santa needs a boost, and it starts with each one of us — after all, we’re the ones feeding the guy milk and cookies, milk and cookies, and more milk and cookies. We need to adjust our game plan.

First step: Let’s lose the milk and cookies. Milk is the drink we give kids to help get them to sleep, and while cookies may provide a sugar high, there is bound to be a low that follows. Next step: Get the man some coffee. It’s the original low-calorie beverage loaded with caffeine, and it’ll give Santa the energy he needs to help him make it through his arduous Christmas Eve schedule. And don’t forget to put out some fruit to provide the man in red with the essential vitamins and nutrients he needs to keep him sharp.

Santa is like our guiding light, our shining star, the example by which all men measure themselves — that may be pushing it a little, but you understand what I am saying. We’ve got to look out for the guy; we cannot let him fall asleep at the sleigh.

It all begins with us. A responsibility we each share. So let’s pull a last-minute audible and have our children do the responsible thing — leave the man a cup of joe with some fruit (and keep the cookies for ourselves).