​Just the Coffee, Ma’am

Do you remember the show Dragnet and how they used to say something like, “Just the facts, ma’am?” If not, well, seriously? You should be ashamed of yourself. If so, yeah, I loved that show as well.

And just the other day, I was thinking about Dragnet when I was in a coffee shop in New York City’s Upper East Side.

I walked in, got up to the counter and said, “Hi, how are you? Can I get a large coffee, please?”

Now, to me, this seemed pretty straightforward, no? I mean, I don’t think I could have been more direct as far as I could tell.

Apparently not. The young woman behind the counter first looked at me with this utterly perplexed look on her face. Then she laid this on me:

“Would you like our Monday Arabica bean special?” she said. “Or the Nicaraguan drip is really aromatic today, and I’d recommend that if you’re a fan. The Ecuadorian Komodo Dragon is also outstanding, with very unique earthy nodes that bring the flavor out on the back end as well. So, what do you think, and how do you like it? Latte? Half-caf? Cappuccino? Do you want your milk steamed or run through a cooling process that takes 4 minutes but really brings out the sugars in the soy? It is so amazing. So amazing.”

I stood there kinda stunned. And it felt like two minutes, but finally, I responded.

“Um, can I have a coffee, please? Black.”

And so she walked back towards another guy who was behind the counter and whispered to him. He looked at me and approached the counter.

“Um, hi, sir, how are you today?” he said.

“I’m fine, thank you,” I responded.

“How can I help you?” he asked.

“I’d really just like a black coffee,” I answered. “Nothing fancy. Just coffee.”

The guy then looked up, and I heard a “Uh” come out of the side of his mouth. He walked back to the coffee machine, poured me something that looked like coffee, came back to the counter and charged me $5.50.

If anyone has any idea what happened there, please, do tell, as all I needed was just the coffee, ma’am.